COUNCILS have started plunging unemployed people in rivers to see if they float, it has been confirmed.

Those who declare their income have nothing to fear

Those who declare their income have nothing to fear

New research suggests the weight of guilt causes fraudulent claimants to sink, negating the need for costly, evidence-based investigations.

Fraudfinder General Roy Hobbs said: “Just last week in Carlisle I did hear of a man whose familiar goaded him into not declaring that bit of painting and decorating he’d done for his brother-in-law.

“After a mere twenty minutes at the bottom of the river Eden, he ceased his previous claims to have done it for a few beers and a curry.

“May the grace of the DWP guide our future endeavours.”

Ramps will be installed by major rivers to deal with the large volume of DLA claims referred to Logan by ATOS.

Blind claimants will be guided into the riverside assessment area by having a ball thrown into the water to attract their dog.

Hobbs said: “We have also discovered a way of assessing Bedroom Tax claims by setting fire to the houses in question. It’s early days but we’re getting some interesting results.”

Blind claimants will be guided into the riverside assessment area by having a ball thrown into the water to attract their dog